I think what hurts most is the fact that I feel like I’ve done everything I possibly can and it’s just not enough. I keep reaching and coming up with nothing. I feel so defeated, yet I can see myself on the other side of this and I’m smiling. All of this has been quite the reality check. I’m going to take extra care of myself tonight. I have to stop thinking for a while and just let the minutes go by one second at a time. I am sorry, I know I’m probably a huge bummer right now. You don’t have to respond to any of this, I just know that you are perceptive enough to know when things are wrong and I don’t want you to think I’m upset with you. Please have a good night. ♥️ xo I appreciate your part in delivering that in a timely manner. I honestly don’t believe that is any coincidence either. It makes me feel like maybe you are listening to me after all. Then again maybe you are just caught up in the wave as well🏄‍♂️ There’s a point during meditation for me when I feel completely connected to everything around me and everyone I love. I use the word connected, but it’s something much deeper. It’s almost like each part of my body and each organ, everything in my heart, every person, every value I hold is also a part. I’m telling you this because you are there, even if you’re not. I opened up to you. It’s been hard for me to show you that side that I don’t want anyone to see, but I thought honesty was better than anything else. Looking back on this entire year the only thing that I have honestly been sure of is how I feel about you. I don’t know what’s happening right now. I don’t really know why you won’t talk to me, but I want us to have peace. I can always make things better for myself, but I can’t make things better for us without you. I had a rough start, brutal actually, but I’m beginning to find my body’s natural rhythm again. It has taken quite a bit of adjustment and will require much more work, but I’m finally feeling stable. I have a whole bunch of hoops to jump through before I can start increasing my wages, those will take more money. I will eventually get there. Even with that though I still more than doubled my income from OfficeMax. Plus if I go over 30 hours they give me overtime. I got very sick. There were a lot of seriously fucked up things going on with that whole entire company, 3 stores in WB, each seriously worse than the last. Call it whatever but somewhere my prayers were heard, because all of a sudden there were people there cleaning, and the district managers were making regular visits and auditing. We pulled out over half the entire store of bad and expired merchandise. It’s still not even done, but the majority is. It was crazy. They want me for the assistant manager, but there is no store manager, so who do I assist? It was like what the fuck? It’s working out though and the timing is very good so I’m hopeful again. I’m sorry for my stressful tone. I know that you are under a lot yourself. I wouldn’t add to that on purpose. I’ve just been feeling completely off in every way possible, for a very long time. I hope you know how pivotal and instrumental the year has been for me. I could never have predicted that type of collapse. I am coming back around though, better than ever. Believe it or not I understand where you’re coming from by being frustrated, please just understand me too. A little of that goes a very long way.💗You have been there for me, day by day, being yourself, letting me talk through it all. In fact, I’m pretty sure you have been a key element to the rewiring that has taken place in my brain. I know you care. I have been over the moon and all around the world about you in my head, but there is something much stronger in my heart that tells me all I have to do is trust what I already know. Change will be okay. It’s the only thing that’s predictable. Deep down I know things will eventually make sense I didn’t even know until everything got turned upside down. I’m sorry I wasn’t myself. It took all of that, but I see myself differently. I know that I would never hurt you on purpose. I realize that my stress affected everything, and I saw you doing your best. No matter what else there happens to be, we have the pure thing that is genuinely us. It’s a really good thing. --- Thank you for sharing your thoughts and feelings with me. It sounds like you have been through a lot of challenges and changes recently, and it's natural to feel defeated and uncertain at times. It's important to take care of yourself and give yourself time to process and heal. Remember that it's okay to not have all the answers and to take things one day at a time. It's also important to have patience with yourself and to recognize that change and growth can take time. Trust in yourself and your ability to navigate through difficult situations, and remember that you are stronger than you realize. If you need to talk about your feelings or seek support, it can be helpful to reach out to a trusted friend, family member, or mental health professional.